12-Step Program for Assholes

Originally posted 10-25-11

Today, a friend of mine on Facebook put on his profile : "I wish there was a such thing as a 12-step program for assholes."

This prompted me to wonder "Hmm... maybe there is no such 12 step program because no one has written one. After all, there's 12-Step programs for EVERYTHING, so why not for being an asshole?"

Before anyone gets on my case, I am a 12-stepper, and humor helped me cope with the issue. This is not meant to offend, it's meant to be funny...

Step 1: Admitting that we were powerless over our asshole-ness, that our asshole-ness had become unmanageable..("I am SUCH an asshole.").

Step 2: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could help us not be an asshole

Step 3: Made the decision to turn ourselves and our asshole personalities over to God as we know Him

Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves and our asshole-ish-ness

Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of wrongs when we were an asshole

Step 6: Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character (otherwise known as: being an asshole)

Step 7: Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings( in other words: "God, please help me not be an asshole anymore".)

Step 8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed when we were an asshole , and became willing to make amends to them all ("I'm sorry that I was such an asshole that I fucked your girlfriend.  And your sister.  And your mom.")

Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would just make them think we were an even bigger asshole than before

Step 10: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were an asshole, promptly admitted it

Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to not be an asshole any more

Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other assholes, and to practice these principles in all our affairs (in otherwords, try our best not to be assholes any more)