When it's over..

Originally posted 2-7-12

I have chosen not to write about this for the past few weeks because I wanted to let my emotions settle.  Since I tend towards passionate with all feelings, I figured it was best to let the dust settle before trying to make sense of it by writing about it.  A friendship that meant very much to me ended abruptly about 6 weeks ago.  This person cut me out of their life, with no warning, and no explanations.  It was someone that I loved, which made this all the more bewildering.

In addition to the heartbreak of losing a friend, they didn't even respect me enough to tell me why, or what I had (supposedly) done wrong.  At first I got worried when my calls and texts went unanswered, but updates on social websites showed me they were alive and doing well, so...I just accepted it.  I accepted that despite the bond I thought we had, it was easy for them to walk away.  I accepted that they didn't deem me worthy of the courtesy of an explanation.  There's a feeling of surrealism that happens when someone is a very close friend one day and won't give you the time of day the next.  I walked around in a fog for awhile until my guy looked at me a couple weeks ago and said "Snap out of it. If they're willing to treat you like that, then it's their loss, not yours."  I disagree.  I miss them, and shed tears when the realization of how little they thought of me finally sank in, so it's my loss as well.  However, he was right in one respect.  This isn't the kind of person I want in my life if they consider that acceptable behavior.  So while I didn't mope about, I was very sad for awhile.  The anger finally started setting in after that.  I deserved better than that kind of ending.  A few weeks ago, when I realized that my calls wouldn't be returned, I sent an email to this person, asking what they wanted me to do with the things they had left at my house, if they wanted me to drop them off at a mutual friends house to be picked up whenever.    Even that note has gone unanswered.  I haven't tried since, and I won't.  It's up to them now. 

Despite all outward appearances, I tend to be a bit naive in matters of the heart.  I tend to see only the good in the people I love, and because of that, I expect good things from them.  As a result,  it's twice as shocking when the darker side of someone's personality is thrown at me.  Ending relationships suck.  I hate having to do it.  But, I can't imagine caring about someone enough to be involved with them on an intensely personal basis, only to leave them hanging with no explanation when I decide I'm done.  It's just not fair to the other person. 

So, I still think about and miss this person. Very much.  I think about them daily and take comfort from knowing that according to what trickles down through the grapevine, they're doing well.  I wouldn't wish for anything less for them.  I believe everyone crosses paths for a reason, so I'm trying to be patient until I figure out what purpose this relationship served.  So far, I'm thinking it's a reminder to treat others as I would like to be treated. 

I can't help but think about the lack of respect that goes along with such blow-offs.  I was raised by my great-grandmother.  My very Southern Baptist, from rural Deep South great-grandmother.  I was taught to respect my elders, be they relatives, family friends, teachers, authorities of any nature, etc.  All older gentlemen were "Sir", older females were "Ma'am" and "please" and "Thank you" were an indespensible part of daily vocabulary.  Children were to be seen and not heard (I still hate that one), and if I got in trouble, I had to go outside and cut a switch off our chinaberry tree for her to use to blister my butt.   When she was growing up, her family didn't have much of anything.  A two-room cabin in the hills with her parents, and her 7 brothers and sisters.  The only thing people had an abundance of back then were their impeccable manners, honor and respect for others.  All 3 were drilled into my head from the time I was a toddler.  I guess that's why I place so much more importance on them than most people my age and younger do.  I was raised with a perspective and mindset that hasn't been seen, really, for almost a century.  I mean, these were the same rules she had to live by in the early 1900's.  People just don't have the same kind of consideration for others anymore.  Respect goes out the window now more often than it doesn't, "please" and "thank you" have all but disappeared in this generation of entitlement, and we're all so focused on ourselves that consideration for others is seen as putting everyone else first and not "Being true to oneself."  

Every once in awhile, I think maybe I need to play catch-up, and stop giving a fuck, because it sure as shit seems everyone else has.  But, as I sit here in purple glow of my lamp, and the quiet that comes at 1am and the world around me is asleep, I remember how people used to treat each other, and I hope that I don't change who I am out of frustration or bitterness.  I like who I am.  Even if my expectations of how people should treat one another are outdated.  I'd rather be old-school and polite, now that I think about it, even if it means I come away disappointed much of the time.  

  Class and good manners never go out of style, and I hope I never forget that.