I have to start with me

Originally posted on 9-22-11

That's the lesson I learned today from someone today.   What needs to start with me?  Changing my behavior.  Here's the situation:

I've found myself getting burnt out lately on my profession.  Big time.   It's hard for me to find my fire, to find the part of me that turned plain old ______ (my legal name) into Stormy.   Lots of things outside of the sessions and clients themselves were/are contributing to this feeling.  The no-shows, the game players, the occasional hostile e-mails or phone calls we all  get from time to time, the risk we all take every time we let a stranger into our home and get behind a locked door with him. The behind the scenes drama that goes on (luckily, not near as much as there used to be).  The bullshit that some men throw at me because I have a long-term boyfriend (these are the same guys that tell me I'm beautiful, sexy, a Goddess, smart, funny, passionate, etc-Uhmm...if I really AM all of that, then....why  would I be single?? Doesn't it stand to reason that someone who embodies all of those traits would already be snatched up by someone smart enough to see all of that?)  Anyway, It all wears on you.  

Today, I realized that for a long time, I haven't been doing this for me. I haven't been doing it because I love it (although, wipe away all the stuff I've let pile on top of it and I still do).   I have allowed myself to get into the mindset of it being a "job".  How did this happen? Because I started letting the clients dictate every move I made.   I've always said that being a member of Stormy Nation has it's privileges (shameless Amex rip off-I know).  What were they? 24/7 availability to my frequent play partners.  Being much more lax about the clock.  Being more lax about my personal boundaries.  Being lax about the standards of behavior that I hold my gents to.   See a pattern? The "privileges" started turning into "letting bad behavior slide".  And you know what? That's on me. Completely my bad.  

I broke a personal rule or two of my own and regretted it. The one that leaps to mind is I started letting people book with me if they pulled a no-show in the past.  In my early days, you got one chance to make a good first impression.  If you were a first-timer, and you no-showed, then I wouldn't book with you again. Ever.  No second chances.  I relaxed my stance on that the past year  because I thought "You know, sometimes, they maybe just get too nervous, and scared, and are not only afraid to show up, but afraid to cancel, too. Give 'em a second chance."  So, I did.  Big mistake.  Maybe some guys No-show for that reason, but I've never met any. And, I've never had an enjoyable experience with a previous NS'er.  The thoughtlessness and callousness that causes the NS in the first place carries over into sessions.  So, I regret breaking that rule.  Another rule I regret breaking is the notice I asked for.   It is just so frustrating to have someone call and expect me to be ready in 20 minutes or less.  And while I might have been complaining about it all the while, I would try my damndest to accommodate.  Which resulted in lots of screeching breaks, lots of traffic laws broken,  lots of whirlwind-type behavior throughout my house as I tried to get ready.  You know what? It's not worth it. Seriously. An hours notice is not much.    

Today for example, at 3:15 pm, I got a text from a regular that I really enjoy seeing, so, of course, I was excited.  It said "Are you available this afternoon?"  I texted him and said "What time?" Right after that, I texted my boyfriend to put our plans on hold since I might have an appointment.  A couple minutes later, client replies to my time frame query with "ASAP".  Ok.  I look in the mirror. I'm showered, hair done, make up done, playroom is neat and organized.  I figure half an hour  to change clothes, freshen up  and set up.  I text him back and say "3:45?"  He responds "No, I have an appointment at 5, maybe tomorrow."  Grrrrrr!  Ive already placed plans on hold. Since Ive already changed clothes, I text back "How about 3:30?" (it was 3:20 when I sent the text).  He replies "No, I have to go to the bank first so I won't be there til after 3:45. I'll try tomorrow." 

WTF?   My original suggestion of 3:45 was too late, so when I suggest 3:30 (with only 10 minutes lead time) it's STILL not enough, and he wouldn't have been able to make it until after my original suggestion of 3:45.  Huh??

So, what he's saying is.....he didn't even want to give me 10 minutes notice?  Now, I'm good, but I don't know if I'm THAT good.  (oh fuck it- I know I'm that good, I just shouldn't have to be)
I sent him a text, mildly chastising him for the playing of time games with me, and informed him that I put plans on hold to try to accommodate him. His reply? "Sorry"

Yeah, I can tell.

Seriously, I have a lot of fun with him, and I hope he does come to visit tomorrow (of course, if he's a blog reader, he might not ever come back after this) but, it was just a perfect reminder of the frustrations that go along with this path I've chosen. 

I realized today after talking with a very lovely lady who could understand what I was going through that I need to stop playing for the clients, and start playing for me again.  I need to find my passion for this again.  I need to start playing on my own terms again, instead of everyone else's.

For all of my favorites out there (you know who you are since I make it a point to tell you), none of this is a result of you sweet, wonderful boys.  In fact, y'all are the reason I've hung on this long.  So, those of you who know I love you, don't take it personal. This has absolutely nothing to do with you.  Just be happy for me that the universe put me in a situation today with someone who could not only understand what I was feeling (thus proving to me that I'm not just turning into a spoiled brat), but show me that there is a way out of this.  And that way starts with me.  

One thing this lady and I agreed on when talking today was that we needed a session with someone who really rings our bell.  Because even when things are bad, sometimes it just takes 1 really terrific playtime to help get our head on straight again.  

Fast forward to tonight at 10:30pm..

Watching a movie with my boyfriend.  Settled on the sofa, when my phone rings.  It's a guy I saw last year when he was in town on business.  GREAT guy. I had LOTS of fun with him.  SO much fun that I really regret that he lives so far away.  He's sorry for the late hour, but would it be possible to see me this evening?  I said "Is an hour from now ok?"  His reply was "That's perfect. I'll be waitin' for ya, baby." 

Uhmm..that really terrific session that I needed? Was dying for?  

Let's just say that when I finally walked away from his lovely suite at a lovely resort, with my lovely high-heeled shoes dangling from my hand and a relaxed smile on my face, it felt like the clouds parted, a golden light shone down upon my face, and the angels sang a "Hallelujah" chorus.   I got behind the wheel, started the engine, and thought about the broad spectrum of events that occurred today. 

1) Had an episode with a client that made me second-guess my life's path
2) Had epiphany about doing things on my terms and making things fun again
3) Things got fun again

Ok. The cornerstone of my mojo is back.  Finally. It's up to me to build it back up from here.