I will not be ashamed of this...

Originally posted on 3-13-2011

For those in the know, it's been a rough couple of days for me.  I'm doing fine, however, and the support I've received from the other wonderful Mistresses in the area, and from a few gents very special to me is absolutely humbling.   The concern and outpouring of support and well wishes and "I'm here if you need me" s blows my mind and almost brings me to my knees.  Everyone should have a network of support like I am lucky enough to have.

Rather than hide this and treat it as something I need to be ashamed of, I decided to use it as an opportunity to bring to light  the risks that those of us in this profession have to deal with.   It's harder than you can imagine for someone like me to admit that something like this happened.  But, I've always seen myself as a survivor instead of a victim and I see this experience not as a stumbling block, but as a stepping stone towards greater personal strength, and I hope that if there's a need for it, others can learn from my mistakes.

I was assaulted by a client.  I won't go into the gory details, except to say that it was not as bad as it could have been, and other than a couple bumps and bruises, I'm doing ok.  He was someone I had seen before.

Entertainers take a risk like this every time they go behind a closed door with someone.  Usually, there are safety nets in place, whether you as a client are aware of them or not.  It could be  a check-in phone call, or having someone around within shouting distance should something go drastically wrong, or any number of different precautionary measures.  I didn't have any of these in place when this occurred, which is no one's fault but my own.   I was too comfortable with the fact that I had met him before with no problems, and too confident of my own resilience.  It simply did not occur to me what  a dangerous situation I was possibly putting myself in. Unfortunately, I have tendencies towards cockiness, and in this instance they did not serve me well.

The next time you have an appointment with a Domme, or an escort, or whomever...cut us some slack when the phone rings mid-session when someone checks in on us, or when she interrupts the playtime to make a phone call to let someone know that she's ok.  I made the mistake of forgetting for a moment the dangers present when I am in an isolated situation with someone I don't know.  Here's a list of the things this experience cost me:

1) Pain of both the physical and emotional variety

2) Temporarily feeling unsafe in my own home (my home is my sanctuary from the world-my "safe place")

3) Embarrassment and shame that this happened to me, of all people (because I was always the one lecturing the other ladies to always make sure to take precautions)

4) My confidence in my ability to take care of myself was dealt a serious blow

5) For awhile, I gave serious consideration to walking away from a profession that I love

When I thought about all of that, I got angry.  There was no way in hell that I was gonna let this abusive,  pathetic excuse of a man have this much control over my life.

Luckily,  I function well on anger.

I know that this is not my fault, that I neither deserved nor asked for it.  This person made the decision to cross the boundary of consensuality, and I really hope karma fucks him in his ass for it someday.   Without lube.  With a huge dildo made of sandpaper.  With spikes.  And doesn't give him a courtesy reach-around.

In the meantime, I am being very nice to myself.   I let myself cry as much as I wanted to.  Lots of bubble baths.  I played my guitar a lot.  Bought that expensive bottle of wine I've been wanting to try for the past 10 years but for which I could never justify the price tag.  Turned down some appointments to go spend time up in northern AZ  at a relative's ranch, where I walked by myself through the hills and played with the horses and just basically recharged my batteries.

As I stated before, it wasn't as bad as it could have been, and the doctor I visited today was just as a precaution.  The bumps and bruises are just that- bumps and bruises, no serious  injuries.  The health risks were minimal, but I had blood tests taken just to be sure.

I'm back in the game, just wiser and more cautious now.

p.s.

For all of the truly "gentle"men I've met over the past 4 years who have made such a difference in my life...

EJV:  You have been a part of my life for almost as long as I can remember. Thank you for being such a good friend, man, and person. You are a big part of what is right with my world.

J.-Such humility, kindness and generosity..you are amazing (even if you do text me asking for naughty pictures which is fine, because you always make me smile)

C.-Pantyhose: I'll never see them the same way again. You are  one cool cat and I'm glad I know you

H.-Now one of my closest friends-I love you.

K.- Simply put, you are so much fun!

M.- Such a truly gentle soul.  Thank you for reminding me to be the same way and for the energy sharing

I just wanted to let you know that since this has happened I've been thinking a lot about all of you.  You are all wonderful examples of what men are supposed to be.   Thanks to your compassion, kindness, consideration, and respect, it's been very easy for me to remember this jerk was the exception, not the rule.  I'm blessed to know each and every one of you.  You all get gold stars in my book.