Thursday, July 19, 2012

Yeah, he's definitely a newbie

Originally posted 6-7-2010

I got an e-mail this morning from a gentleman who was seeking me out to spend time with me, not for a session, but so that I could educate him on the ways/manners/terms/toys of the BDSM lifestyle.  I found his request to be rather rude, and demanding.  The sort of attitude I encounter occasionally from clients who come to see me mistakenly thinking that because they're paying me for my time, they call the shots, and I will do whatever they want me to, including sex, if they so choose.  Most of these guys come from the escort side of Backpage, or Craigs list.  They've all visited "providers" before, so I guess they're just used to saying "This is what I want and you're going to give it to me."  Anyway...this e-mail got your Mistress's Irish up in a big I took a couple deep breaths, and began penning a response.  I know that I tend to be easily offended, so, just to make sure I wasn't getting upset over nothing, I reviewed his original email with 2 Dommes that I know and 3 submissives.  They all agreed with me.
I'd kind of like to get other people's opinion, if I may.  I'm very curious to see if readers would agree with me and  think I was justified in my response or not.

His original e-mail:

I am a Man who is interested in understanding the BDSM culture and psyche, terminology and what the items toys or tools are used for. I am not looking for a Mistress or any of that and no physical contact on either part. But I am looking for someone who can explain these things so I will have a sound understanding of what this is all about. I understand a fee may be charged for your time, like a educational tutor, but this meeting will take place in a STAR BUCKS not a dungeon, so I expect a more reasonable rate than the participant rates listed here for (hour, half hour etc). This information may be published in the future, should I decide to do so. Once again I am looking for a good teacher with a solid understanding of the whole BDSM picture,who can communicate effectively and respectfully, that is willing to share that information. 

If you are a provider - you are not booked or busy all the time, so select an off time on your schedule where you would not mind making a few dollars for talking and having coffee.


My Response:

Thank you for your time and interest.
Firstly, the tributes listed in my postings are for my time, not what I do.  Nothing would change, regardless of  how the time is spent. If and when we mutually agree to meet and discuss anything, it will be in my playroom.  After all, you asked about toys and what they are used for. What better way to learn than when I can take them down off my wall and allow you to  handle and get a feel for them while I explain their uses?

I appreciate the fact that you are desiring to expand your knowledge of BDSM, and encourage all attempts to do so.  However, while I understand your newness to the whole subject, a little bit of research on your part prior to contacting me might have gone a long way towards making a good first impression, and I'll tell you why.  You approached a Professional & Lifestyle Dominatrix, told her you wanted something from her, told her you expected a reduction in fee for time spent, and then referred to her as a "provider"(which is a genteel term for escort or prostitute) and TOLD her to pick a time since she's obviously not always busy or booked.  There wasn't much in the way of "asking" or "requesting" going on here, just demanding and expecting.   Should you decide to try your luck with someone else, I strongly encourage you to do your own research into "BDSM Protocol" before approaching an individual again.  And, now that I think about it...This approach would have probably offended anyone, not just someone in this lifestyle.  So, perhaps brushing up on general "I'm asking a favor of you" etiquette might be a good idea as well.  To be perfectly honest, had you approached with the respectful enthusiasm and attitude of someone making a request of someone's time, and knowledge, etc,  I would have met with you for free, especially since this is for educational purposes.  I have lectured at several colleges for the past 3 years about Human Sexuality and it's correlation to BDSM, and I do this happily on my own time, not expecting or accepting any compensation for it.

Being paid for my time doesn't mean that I tolerate disrespect and write it off as an occupational hazard.  I don't.  I don't know if your lack of regard is directed towards BDSM'ers in general, or at Pro's in particular, but I'm thinking if this is the way you treat people in person as well, attempting to meet would be a waste of time for both of us, as I would end the discussion at the first sign of arrogance or any sort of demanding or demeaning attitude on your part.  I find it ironic that you state in your note that you are   seeking someone "who can communicate effectively and respectfully" when you don't seem to hold yourself to that same standard.

I wish you good luck in your search for this knowledge, and I have compiled a list of books that I recommend to anyone wishing to learn about this sort of thing.  I checked and you can find them all easily by Google'ing them, or just searching for them on

Ms. Storm Kincaid

After that, I listed some of the most popular educational books out there dealing with BDSM, and I verified that they could easily be found on both Google and, and told him that as well.
Was I too hard on him?

No comments:

Post a Comment